Episode 4

In Which a Sinister Voice Makes Demands and a Wishing Star Takes Shipping Too Far

Peri: Hi Tristan

Tristan: Hello Peri, I’m calling about -

Peri: Well?

Tristan: Well what - Oh right, I passed my first assignment. Thank you so much for all -

Peri: No, not that. Professor Holle.

Tristan: What about her?

Peri: HER FACE.

Tristan: Sort of a disapproving frown, which is how she always looks at me, but... more frown-ish

than usual?

Peri: Ha!

Tristan: Um Peri, I got a weird phone call last night.

Peri: Did Saffron ring you a hundred times too?

Tristan: No. Well yes, asking about you mostly, but something else.

Peri: Go on.

Tristan: A voice started to come out of my phone. And it didn’t even ring first, a voice just started coming out of my phone last night.

Peri: That’s right, me and Saff got one too. I think we had a meeting scheduled today?

Tristan: You’re coming too? Thank goodness. Are you coming by the The Academy later?

Peri: Why?

Tristan: To meet Keyes?

Peri: But I asked the Distress Department and they said Keyes’s office was here in The Company. Apparently he’s our PR guy. I had no idea we even had one.

Tristan: But I asked around too and they said Keyes had an office here in The Academy.

Peri: Well, I can’t make it anyway. I have to upgrade the giant magic mirror in the conference room. I’ve been getting complaints about it lagging from time to time and I promised Themis I’d fix it before her meeting this afternoon. I do owe her after all.

Tristan: I actually have class at 8, if you think I can avoid Keyes.

Peri: Class is more important.

Tristan: Okay then. Bye.

(phone hangs up)

(Peri calls Themis)

Themis: Themis here.

Peri: Themis, I did what I could to the magic mirror, but could you test it out before your meeting and let me know how -

Themis: Yes. Holle?

Peri: Frownish from my reports.

Themis: (closest to pleased she’s ever got) Good.

Keyes: You’re late Ms. Peri.

Peri: You again? Yeah, I’m booked solid today and since you didn’t call on a proper phone like normal people do, I had no way of calling you back to cancel.

Themis: Who is this?

Keyes: Who is this indeed?

Peri: Keyes. I think he’s the PR guy here.

Themis: We have a PR guy?

Keyes: You’ll be glad to know Ms. Peri that I have not been idle. I’ve had a lovely chat with our mermaid friends and we’ve come to an agreement.

Themis: What about those mermaids?

Keyes: They claim, poor things, that a sword-wielding maniac frognapped their beloved pet. And that sword wielding maniac came from our esteemed company. Dear, dear, we can’t have a stain like that tarnish The Company’s good name.

Themis: It wasn’t a frog.

Keyes: Happily for us, the mermaids agreed to forgive all in exchange for one tiny favor.

Peri: *Sigh* What is it?

Keyes: The mermaids of the lake have been missing their cousins in the seas for quite some time

now. They want you to help them arrange a little family reunion.

Themis: I will not be responsible for adding more ship-wrecking mermaids to the seas!

Peri: Keyes - is that your first name or last name? - this is not a reasonable request!

Keyes: What has reason got to do with it?

Peri: But -

Keyes: Perhaps I’m not making myself clear. Please, allow me to try another reproach.

(Keyes peels his face off with a velcro like sound)

Keyes: (monster voice) FIX. THIS. NOW.

Peri: *slight eep* But how? Hello? Hello?

Themis: I think he’s gone. What was that noise?

Peri: The Distress Department Girls told me he has “many faces”. I guess they meant that literally.

Themis: *slight gagging noise* Ughh, that’s just, that’s just wrong.

Peri: *Sigh.* I guess I’ll call the aquarium later and see if they have mobile fish tanks or something.

Themis: Would they lend it to you if they know what you’re about to do?

Peri: Doubtful. Then I guess I’ll get a bathtub and rent a pickup, I don’t know. Check the mirror.

Themis: *echoes* Testing (testing) Testing (testing)

Peri: There’s just a bit of a lag.. Let me see what I can do.

Themis: Thank you Peri. Goodluck.

Peri: See you around.

(Peri hangs up)

(Peri’s mobile rings)

Peri: Hello?

Tristan: Hi.

Peri: What’s up Tristan?

Tristan: It’s Ivan, I’m kind of worried about him.

Peri: Why? He’s all rescued.

Tristan: More like half-rescued? I thought when I turned him in they’d make him human again (or whatever he used to be, I don’t want to assume).

Peri: They will. Eventually.

Tristan: Eventually?

Peri: A queue builds up after a while. Uncursing is not easy, young Tristan.

Tristan: When will they get to him?

Peri: After they uncurse everyone in line before him. And since you turned Ivan in at the literal last minute, I’d say he’s last in line.

Tristan: Last? They can’t speed things up? Ivan is really miserable as a frog.

Peri: There’s only one Professor who can untangle hexes and curses and her hands are really full all the time. And she’s chronically grumpy so don’t go bugging her, okay?

Tristan: Okay.

Peri: Good. Now I have to call a pet shop and buy a giant tank.

Tristan: Okay?

Peri: Bye.

Tristan: Bye.

(Phone hangs up)

(Peri's mobile phone rings)

Peri: Hi Saffron.

Saffron: Hi, I rented a pickup truck like you your text says.

Peri: Great! Collect me when you can and we’ll head over to the pet shop to pick up the tank.

Saffron: Tank?

Peri: Yeah… I’ll explain later.

Saffron: Explain now.

Peri: We have to… help the mermaids visit their relatives in the sea.

Saffron: WHAT? I am NOT doing those barnacle brains any favors! Not after what they did!

Peri: Hey, it wasn’t so bad. They didn’t hurt Ivan and you got a new phone.

Saffron: PERI.

Peri: I’m sorry Saff, but we have to do it or else… or else that Keyes guy will do something vaguely threatening. And the Distress Department did warn us to be wary of him.

Saffron: UGH. FINE. NOT FINE. BUT FINE.

Peri: He didn’t say how long the visit had to be. We’ll drive the tank to the pier during lunch and then tell them “sorry, we have to be at work now”.

Saffron: Whatever. I have important fairy godmothering to do. A couple of idiots drank the wrong love potion.

Peri: Need me to talk you through making an antidote?

Saffron: If this was another day and I was in a different kind of mood, maybe I would ask your help to make an antidote. But right now, I’m just going to give them some epicac.

Peri: Uh.. okay? I guess that works too. Later Saffron.

Saffron: Later Peri.

(Saffron hangs up)

(Desk phone rings)

Peri: Hello?

Andromeda: Dearest Peri! How fares thee after last evening’s misadventures?

Peri: Hi Andy, I farest well, thanks. How’s it going with you?

Andromeda: Oh Peri, though I long to while away more happy moments conversing with you, an urgent matter needs your immediate attention.

Peri: What’s wrong?

Andromeda: Alas, two young lovers, separated by miles upon miles, by seas and mountains, by distances too great and perilous to be traversed.

Peri: That’s nothing for you Andy, I’ve seen you work with way worse. What’s the problem, just grant their wish.

Andromeda: Therein lies the difficulty…Neither has spoken this desire to meet aloud.

Peri: No one said “I wish my true love blah blah blah”? Not on a shooting star, or wishing well? Not even on a ladybug?

Andromeda: Alas, no.

Peri: Why not? Well, heart of hearts requests are tricky, but - Oh no, Andy, do these two even know each other?

Andromeda: Alas, no.

Peri: Andy, you have to stop playing matchmaker and you especially have to stop trying to use your work resources for your weird hobby.

Andromeda: But they are destined to be together Peri!

Peri: Andy. No. People aren’t your dolls you know.

Andromeda: But they are just like the lovely couple in last night's cinematic masterpiece.

Peri: But the couple in the movie died!

Andromeda: *sigh* so romantic…

Peri: I have to go Andy, I have another call. Try to get some real work done today, okay?

Andromeda: I shall strive to do so. Farewell Peri.

(switches to other call, a *beep*)

Peri: He-

Saffron: PERI. We seriously need to arrange some sort of emergency answer-me-now signal between us.

Peri: I think I can find a spell for that.

Saffron: LATER. Do you know what that protege you saddled with me did?

Peri: (panicked) What did he do?

Saffron: I mean, if you had to do it, if you really had to do it, had to stick me with a wet-behind-theears, know-nothing, clueless amateur, why couldn’t you get me a really cool girl who would lend me her scarves, split blueberry muffins with me, and never ever make Professor Holle call me at MY WORK to complain about her foul misdeeds?

Peri: (sadly resigned) What did he do?

Saffron: Frognapped Ira!

Peri: Oh no.

Saffron: Oh yes! Our Tristan acted like a shameless mermaid and snatched Ira in between first and second period.

Peri: Why? Why would he do that?

Saffron: Who knows how the male mind thinks? Their dude hormones make them do crazy irrational things.

Peri: I’m sure Tristan has a good reason. He seems like a really good kid.

Saffron: (exhausted) Peri, I really, really, need a blueberry muffin.

Peri: I’ll be right there Saff!

(Desk phone hangs up)