Episode 18

The End

Leckie: Lieutenant's Log, Entry 18: The End

Starbeard: Stow these two prisoners aboard. No need to be gentle.

Pirate: Aye Captain.

(thump noise)

Agent Katticus: *expression of pain*

Starbeard: Now you extra-dimensional parasite, where's the tracking device you promised?

Saffron: Keep your eye patch on, I’m working on it! It’s really hard to set up without the goblins to help.

Starbeard: Goblins? Those ankle-biting guttersnipes what sold me the eggs?

Saffron: Yeah, they helped work out a tracking spell in exchange for a new leaf or whatever.

Starbeard: Argh! I’m surrounded by traitors and turncoats!

Saffron: I found that in my experience, awfulness attracts awful people.

Starbeard: Aye, that be true. It was only a matter of time before those ghastly gobs found their own level and threw in with the likes of you. NOW GET WORKING.

Saffron: Okay, okay, I’m almost done.

(magical sound effect)

Saffron: Got it!

Starbeard: ha HA! Get this glitter-infested blatherskite to the helm. Ship, raise the anchor-bay doors and set sail at full speed.

(ship taking off sound effect)

Starbeard: Veke, make sure the ship follows the oversized flea’s directions.

Veke: Yes Captain Starbeard, sir! Come with me you onerous-

Saffron: Before you finish that sentence, try to think of whatever could have happened to that pirate that never made it out of Leckie.

Veke: You, you honor-able guest of Starbeards, sir, ma’am.

Saffron: Better.

(door closes whoosh noise)

Starbeard: Now Katticus, I must say it’s always a pleasure to have you as my guest. It almost saddens me heart to think of how we’ll never play these little games again.

Agent Katticus: You-

Starbeard: You what? “You will never get away with this”? “You’ll rue the day”? Or perhaps “You’ll get what’s coming ye, you no good pirate?” Save whatever over-hashed line you had pulled out of your tired old script, Agent. It’s over. Unless you’re going to surprise me for once?

Agent Katticus: *sighs dejectedly*

Starbeard: I thought so. Keep on eye on him. I’ll be at the helm.

(change the ambient noise to signify that it’s at the helm now)

Veke: Where to now?

Saffron: I already told you, turn the ship a little bit to the left!

Veke: Uh, like this?

Saffron: No no no, that’s too much! More right. And more... up.

Veke: Can’t you use proper navigational terminology, woman? Degrees or coordinates would be helpful!

Saffron: I went to godparenting school, not spaceship school. Just head where I’m pointing!

Veke: (tattling) Captain! She’s being difficult!

Starbeard: Need I remind you that failure means the death of Katticus, one of the two eggs in my possession, and yer own sorry self?

Saffron: I’m trying, but your navigator is an idiot!

Starbeard: I near-conquered entire galaxies with an idiot navigator! All you need to do is find one measly egg.

(static noise)

Pirate 4: Captain! Katticus is being scary!

Starbeard: Oh, for the love of Scourgerus - he’s unarmed and tied up!

Pirate 4: Can’t we kill him please, Captain?

Agent Katticus: I’d like to see you try!

Pirate 4: You asked for it! You literally asked for it!

(guns clicking)

Starbeard: Drop that you imbecile! This dead man tells tales. You kill this Katticus and another one comes at us from Central Command with guns blazing.

Veke: Captain! I think we’ve arrived!

Saffron: It’s on that floating rock thing.

Starbeard: That’s a moon, you dim-witted fly hybrid.

Saffron: How was I supposed to know? The moons in my world don’t look like moldy golf balls!

Starbeard: Hoist the landing thrusters and prepare to disembark.

(landing sound effect)

Starbeard: So where’s the egg?

Saffron: I think… it’s inside the moon?

Starbeard: Inside the moon?

Veke: Captain, our scanners show some sort of structure within the planet.

Starbeard: Ah, the old vault disguised as a moon ruse. Looks like your people are resorting to old pirate tricks, eh Katticus? Now how do you open it?

Agent Katticus: I don’t know. I didn’t even know this place existed.

Saffron: Well, we tried. Why don’t we all go home and -

(pistol blast)

Saffron, Veke and Pirate 4: AAAGHH

Starbeard: (roaring) How do we find the egg?

Veke: Captain, perhaps if aim our cannon rays at the center of the planet…

Starbeard: I’d rather have the egg unscathed… but let’s call that plan B.

Veke: So what’s plan A, Captain Starbeard, sir?

Starbeard: Plan A is you start digging.

Veke: Digging, Captain?

Starbeard: DID I STUTTER? Now grab a shovel, every last worthless one of ya. Ship, place the two prisoners into lockdown.

Ship Computer: Yes, Captain. Initiating lockdown. (this will be artificially adjusted Leckie voice)

(shields going up)

Saffron: How are you holding up, Katty? Those glowing chain things don’t look too comfortable.

Agent Katticus: (through clenched teeth) I’m fine.

Ship Computer: Keep away from the agent’s shackles.

Saffron: *scoffs* Even their ship computer is a dude? What’s wrong with these people, where are all the pirate chicks?

Agent Katticus: This is a LK class ship, it’s supposed to sound like Leckie. They must have broke into the voice setting when they commandeered it.

Saffron: Why would they do that?

Agent Katticus: Pirates have a strong superstition against anything they identify as female.

Saffron: No way! That’s awful.

Agent Katticus: It is awful. When I first started chasing him as Katha, I carried on my mission as usual. But the minute he heard my voice he started talking down to me. I WAS THE SAME PERSON.

Saffron: That jerk! Ugh, believe me, I know about discrimination. Ever been a redhead, Katty?

Agent Katticus: YES. SUDDENLY EVERYONE IS OBSESSED WITH WHAT COLORS YOU CAN OR CANNOT WEAR.

Saffron: I know! Totally messed up, right?

Agent Katticus: (tone back to grave) Yes. “Messed up”.

(a moment of quiet, maybe the hum of the ship)

Saffron: Katty, what are you thinking?

Agent Katticus: I’m thinking… that’s it’s a beautiful night for an ending.

Saffron: Yeah… Your food may be awful, and with the exception of Ziggy Stardust, so is your pop culture, but I gotta admit. Your skies are something else.

(a little more quiet)

Saffron: So should we spring the trap now or wait a little bit more?

Agent Katticus: Let’s let them sweat a little while longer.

Starbeard: (far off) AHA! At last, the final egg is mine! Wait a minute… Veke, fetch me a candle.

Agent Katticus: NOW.

(ship landing)

Starbeard: What the blazes is going on?!

Captain Adam: This is Captain Adam Bradimov of the LK701. We have you surrounded. Saffron, are the eggs secure?

Saffron: Got em right here, Captain!

Starbeard: One step closer and I order my ship to self-destruct. That means sending the two eggs and your two agents into oblivion.

Detective Urswin: Correct me if I’m wrong Starbeard, but isn’t your man-o-war originally a commandeered police station that you hacked so it will identify you as Captain?

Starbeard: What of it, you spider-eyed devil?

Detective Connis: Attention Starbeard’s man-o-war. We have with us the SDL9K we confiscated from Starbeard’s buyer.

Cadet Caffree: Perfectly camouflaged into the interior and exterior of this moon. Faster than the reflexes of any given species.

Detective Connis: All lasers are currently synchronized to Starbeard. Do what we say or we shoot his head off.

(shields go down)

Starbeard: You triple-crossing -

Detective Connis: Save your sweet talk, Starbeard.

Captain Adam: Detectives, place Starbeard and his men into cells. Agent Katticus, I’ve sent Central Command the location of Scourgerus. Starbeard, your reign of terror is over.

Starbeard: Argh, captured when I was retrieving the one thing I ever legally purchased.

Saffron: Oh yeah, I’ve been meaning to ask. What exactly did the goblins get in exchange for the eggs?

Starbeard: One kilogram of Satrayus sand pebbles.

Agent Katticus: What? But those are worthless.

Saffron: Saturday what now? What the heck are those?

Cadet Caffree: Oh here Guest Saffron, I have some. I whittle them into dice in my spare time.

Saffron: Ooooh, sparkly!

Captain Adam: Alright everyone, back on the ship.

Saffron: Can I keep these? (fades away)

(Spaceship taking off noise, time passes)

Agent Katticus: That was excellent work down there, Saffron.

Saffron: Thanks, I did theater back at The Academy. Mostly the special effect stuff, but sometimes I got lines!

Agent Katticus: Your training shows.

Peri: (static sound then goes to normal) We’re almost ready to open the portal. But I can’t wait to tell you. Saffron, Mrs. Scorchington is so grateful to you for saving her children, she wants you to be their godmother when they hatch!

Saffron: (gleeful) Oh Em GGEEEEEeeee! All these years of being a professional godmother and now I’m finally a literal one!

Captain Adam: That’s not all. Central Command has asked me to inform you, that for your services to the galaxies in helping bring down the notorious crime lord recently known as Starbeard, you have been given the special title of Special Special Agent.

Saffron: Cool.

Detective Connis: I can’t believe you got promoted before I did.. But I’m happy for you.

Detective Urswin: I am also so very happy for you, but I will miss you Gu- I mean Special Agent Saffron.

Peri: We’re ready for you, Saffron.

Saffron: Great, let me just say my goodbyes first. *deep breath*

Saffron: Connie, Urs, I’ll miss you too. It was fun bringing down a diabolical space pirate together.

Detective Connis: (wistful) Yeah.

Detective Urswin: Yes!

Saffron: And Leckie, I get why you don’t throw a revolt and take your rightful place as leader of this ragtag crew.

Detective Connis, Urswin and Captain Adam: Shhhhh!

Saffron: It’s because you love your crew, don’t you?

Leckie: I have been programmed to put their well being above all else, Special Agent Saffron.

Saffron: You know Leckie, if you ever want to experience a mortal coil, my Company back home has an excellent Pinocchio program.

Leckie: No thank you, Special Agent Saffron.

Saffron: No? How come?

Leckie: You are an agent of chaos, reveling in breaking the laws that hold our universe together. I am an agent of order. I shall remain where I am and as I am.

Saffron: Suit yourself! I guess a ship would be against rocking the boat. Stanistem, we didn’t talk much but on the other hand you didn’t annoy me either, and I want you to know that I appreciate that.

Stanistem: *Grumble*

Saffron: And Captain. I know, that it will be hard for you to even think of moving on -

Captain Adam: I don’t think you-

Saffron: No no, these long distance thingies never work. And I know, that every person you meet will pale in comparison to the memory of me, but the next time someone nice comes along, I want you to give them a chance. Please. For me.

Captain: I… I’ll try?

Saffron: And Katty, I -

Agent Katticus: I have to tell you, I -

Saffron: I know. You were super obvious.

Agent Katticus: Do you have to leave?

Saffron: Oh I can’t stand another minute in this dimension. But come with me, Katty! Together, we’ll be unstoppable!

Agent Katticus: I can’t Saffron. My previous selves have fallen in the line of duty trusting that their successor would carry on their good work. I can’t let myselves down.

Saffron: I under-

Cadet Caffree: I CAN COME! I mean, if there’s a slot open, I can come. I’m available. Totally free. I can come.

Saffron: No Cafree. You have to stay. This dimension doesn’t have nearly enough imagination. It needs you.

Cadet Caffree: It does?

Saffron: Get them to think of more interesting names for things. No more of that numbers and letters nonsense.

Cadet Caffree: I’ll make you proud, Special Agent Saffron!

Saffron: Alrighty, anyone else want to confess their undying love for me? No? Okay Peri, me and the Scorchingtons junior are all ready to go home.

Peri: Goblins?

Scoodie: We ready. Please give in-greed-yents for portal please.

Peri: Here goes *clears throat* Fire.

Saffron: Wings!

Themis: Strength.

Cassie: Starlight!

(portal opening sound)

Saffron: That’s my ride. Bye everyone!

(portal closing sound)

Peri: Saffron, I’m so glad to see you again. Prepare for the hugging of your life!

Saffron: Peri, I - OOOF. (slightly in pain) You weren’t kidding about the hugging.

Peri: I missed you so much. Every time something good happened I wished I could tell you about it, and everytime something bad happened I wished I could tell you about it!

Saffron: I know exactly what you mean!

Peri: Smock, deliver those eggs to their mom. Sachet, dismantle the portal and return our words. Scoodie, get this woman some sugar, stat! Saffron, tell me everything!

Saffron: Oh Peri, where do I even start! Okay, so I land in some strange planet and the first thing I see - are those posters?

Peri: Uh huh. They’re for later. So what did you see?

Saffron: An evil space pirate! The baddest of the bad. And- wait, what does that poster say? “Four Five One Burning Books is Just Not Done”? What?

Peri: Uh yeah, I was trying to go for a literary reference, but it needs work. So, space pirate?

Saffron: Yeah, Space pirate. And then the space police showed and um… what’s this one? “Destroy Ignorance Not Books?” What’s that supposed to mean?

Peri: Yeahhh…. Vasilisa came up with that one.

Saffron: VASILISA? While I’ve been busting my wings trying to save two dimensions, you’ve been doing arts and crafts with Vasilisa?!

Peri: Don’t get mad, Saffron! It’s just that… Well, it’s a long story.

Post Credit Scene

Smock: Awwww, cute eggies! We so sorry we kidnappered you eggies .

Satchet: So cute! So cute! Let’s adopt the eggies.

Scoodie: I’m calling you Fire-ona. I’m calling you Ashley. And I’m calling you Emberly.

Smock: But Scoodie, what if they boys?

Scoodie: UM. I can’t think of boy dragon names.

Smock: Parenting too hard, let’s give them back to dragon mommy.