Episode 22

In Which More Ingredients are Collected and Our Hero’s Forget the Goblins’ Names

(Tristan calls Peri)

Peri: Tristan, I was just about to call you!

Tristan: Hi, Peri - 

Peri: Listen, I don’t have time to explain, but me and my fellow hostages are about to toss all our phones out the window. All our telecommunication devices really. So I only have time for one question and please make it fast. 

Tristan: What? Why?! No, that wasn’t my question. What’s the second thing? The most enduring thing in the land? What is it? 

Peri: Easy, my hijabs. 

Tristan: Really? 

Peri: Yes, of course! They keep my fire hair in check without burning and they’re machine washable. You’ll find a bunch at my apartment. Just grab one, I don’t mind. 

Tristan: Okay, what about - 

Saffron: No time, you made me hurl my phone outside and now it's your turn! 

Peri: Bye Tristan!

(static as call ends when phone lands with a crash)

Fred: Well? 

Tristan: We gotta go to Peri’s apartment and pick up a hijab.

Roderick: Oh. That doesn’t sound very quest-like. More like an errand. 

Fred: Let’s hurry. 

(change scene to Peri’s apartment, sound of door knob jittering) 

Tristan: It’s locked. 

Nyneve: Anyone know how to pick a lock? 

Rose Red: Stand back. 

(alarm starts ringing) 

Fred: Whoa. 

Roderick: What did you do? 

Rose Red: Nothing, I barely touched it!

Peri: (computer-ish) Hey, are you hooligans trying to break in? 

Tristan: Peri? 

Peri: This is Peri’s Apartment’s Security System. You have three chances to prove your not burglars, or I’m calling the police or setting you all on fire. I don’t quite remember how I programmed this. One of the two. Maybe both?

Nyneve: Peri’s apartment! It’s us! 

Tristan: Uh, is there a camera anywhere? Don’t you recognize me? 

Peri: Face and voice recognition has been run, and according to my history logs, none of you has ever been invited inside before. TWO more chances.

Nyneve: Uh oh. 

Roderick: Can’t we just force the door? 

Rose Red: Nah, it’s like the book dragon says, nothing can get past a djinn’s firewall. 

Fred: There’s no need to panic just yet, we still have two chances to prove we’re friendly. 

Tristan: What if you ask us a question only real friends of Peri would know? 

Peri: Riddle mode activated. What is Peri’s favorite food? 

Nyneve: Uh, is coffee a food? 

(pause) 

Peri: Accepted. What’s Peri’s favorite color? 

Rose Red: I bet it’s black. I’ve never seen her wear anything else. 

Peri: Correct. Final Question. Who is Peri’s favorite goblin? 

Tristan: Uh, I don’t know that one.

Rose Red: The bald one, Satchet? 

Nyneve: No, the squeaky one, whassissname? Spock?

Roderick: Guess whatever the third goblin is, the answer is always the third thing you think of!

Tristan: Uh, is it Scoodie? 

Peri: Incorrect! Peri loves all the goblins equally. You have ONE more chance.

Tristan: Rose Red: Nyneve: Roderick: Aaah!

Fred: Nobody panic!

Nyneve: Don’t panic? But we wasted two chances and now we’re going to be fried!

Fred: We didn’t waste them, we learned from them. Now we know that we have two possible means of entry. Finding someone who has been invited to Peri’s apartment before, or finding someone who knows her well enough to answer all the riddles correctly. Does that sound like anyone you know? 

Rose Red: Well, there’s Saffron, but she’s a phoneless hostage too.

Nyneve: She’s been hanging out with Vasilisa lately, but also a phoneless hostage.

Tristan: I think Themis and Peri are in a book club together. 

Roderick: The titaness who wouldn’t help us when were up against a card army? I doubt she’d volunteer her time!

Fred: Who else...? 

(Fred snaps her fingers)

Fred: Of course! Why didn’t I think of this before?

(Fred unsheathes sword)

Fred: Mirror, Mirror on my...uh, blade.

Nyneve: Save us from being fish filleted!  

Roderick: Oh, I get it! 

Face the camera if you please

So that the security system will be appeased

(pause)

Rose Red: I think the rhyming was too sucky. 

Fred: They did not cover rhyming in knighthood school. 

(Fred knocks sword on stone floor)

Fred: Hey, magic mirrors, I’m sorry our poetry sucks, but we’re in kind of in a fix here!

Magic Mirrors: *scoff*

Very well, Please just step aside 

And you’ll soon find yourself inside 

But later, when you have the time, 

Won’t you pick up a book of rhyme?

Nyneve: Show-offs

(door unlocks)

(scene changes to another location)

Fred: So we have the strongest thing in the land: a unicorn horn, and the most enduring thing in the land: a djinn’s hijab. 

Rose Red: Now the awkward part….

Roderick: What do you mean by awkward? 

Rose Red: Duh! Most destructive thing in the land? Mermaid tears?

Tristan: Uhhh… maybe we can chop an onion? 

Nyneve: I can see through saltwater, my eyes aren’t sensitive. 

Fred: Rose Red, I’m sorry, but you’ll have to use your powers of storytelling. You’ll have to tell Nyneve a story so sad that it will make her cry. 

Rose Red: Can’t we just, I don’t know, tickle her until she cries? 

Nyneve: *hisses* I will bite off the finger of anyone who tries it. Besides, I loooove sad stories!

Rose Red: Fine. Sad Story… Okay, so once upon a time and stuff, there was a girl who hated people. Because people are the worst. For example, they keep asking you to do stuff you don’t wanna do. But there was one person the girl did not hate, and that was her sister. And she also liked animals because animals were not people. One day, the girl and her sister made friends with a bear. But then surprise! It turns out he wasn’t really a bear. He was a stupid prince in disguise. 

Nyneve: Oh no! Just like my froggy! That’s sooo sad. 

Rose Red: Tell me about it. 

Nyneve: First they’re so pretty, then poof, turned into one of the ugly humans. 

Roderick: Hey- 

Fred: Not now! Rose Red, keep going. 

Rose Red: Seriously? You want more? Well, you’re in luck because it DOES get worse. The stupid not-a-bear prince guy runs off with the girl’s sister!

Roderick: No!

Rose Red:  Ah, Yes! I got an invitation to their wedding a week later, and then an invitation to her freaking funeral a year after that. 

Nyneve: That’s sooo sad.

Tristan: I’m so sorry, Rose Red.

Fred: How’d it happen? 

Rose Red: Evil witch with evil apples that she cursed using an evil book of evil spells. You know, like the kind you’re supposed to burn!?

Nyneve: *sniffs* Was the funeral nice? 

Rose Red: Yeah, she would have liked it. It was glass casket, which was weird, but I think it’s some kind of dwarf tradition. 

Roderick: Wait, dwarves? 

Rose Red: Yeah, it turns out their marriage went kinda rocky at the end and she was living with a bunch of dwarves for the last few months? I dunno, Snow was always really bad at keeping in touch. 

Nyneve: *cries dramatically*

Fred: Mermaid tears! Quick, get the hijab! 

Tristan: Here you go, Nyneve

(Nyneve blows her nose on the hijab)

Rose Red: Great, mermaid tears AND mermaid snot. 

Roderick: To a magical blacksmith, hurry! 

(sound of a blacksmith’s forge)

Blacksmith: Here you go kids, best darn sword I ever made. 

Roderick: Thank you, my good man.  

Blacksmith: You gonna take down the monster that’s been terrorizing that new library? 

Roderick: Indeed, we will! Or more specifically, Fred here will!

Blacksmith: Uh, which one is Fred? I hope for your sake he’s not the one with the bad posture knitting a poncho.

Tristan: Crocheting.

Fred: No, That’s Tristan. I’m Fred. 

Blacksmith: You’re Fred? 

Fred: Yes.

Blacksmith: Fred?

Fred: Short for Winifred but I only like Fred, so I got rid of the Wini. 

Blacksmith: Oh. I see. 

(Pause)

Blacksmith: Good for you, Sir Fred! Don’t see many female knights around here, I figure the job market must be pretty biased. 

Fred: Yeah, it is, but don’t worry, I find a way to work around it. Thanks for the sword. 

Blacksmith: Happy monster stabbing!

(location changes to outside library. Sounds of soft roaring in the background can be heard)

Rose Red: It looks like they weren’t kidding about tossing all their phones out the window. 

Nyneve: Laptops and tablets too… 

Tristan: I wonder why. 

Roderick: No time for that now. Sir Fred, are you ready? 

Fred: Yes!

Roderick: Can anyone tell she’s hiding a magic invincible sword? 

Rose Red: Nope.

Tristan: Not at all.

Nyneve: I can’t tell. 

Fred: Wish me luck everyone. (addresses the monster in a powerful voice) Monster-Dragon-Thing of the Library!

Monster: Raaah!

Tristan: He says he’s not a dragon, he’s a Lindwyrm. 

Fred: Lindwyrm of the Library. I have come to marry you as requested. Now keep your end of the deal and let the hostages go.

Lindwyrm: Raaaaah! 

Tristan: He says you have to come here first. 

Fred: I will come closer! Will you let me through the force field?

Lindwyrm: Snorts

Tristan: He says yes. 

(sound of Fred walking across the grass)

Nyneve: Good luck Fred! 

Rose Red: I literally can’t watch. 

Lindwyrm: Raaaaaah

Roderick: Now, Fred! Now!

Fred: RAAAAAH!

(slicing sound effect)

Roderick: Nynveve: Rose Red: Tristan: Fred: (In disgust and horror) Gah! 

Nyneve: What’s that?

Fred: It looks like a smaller monster was hiding inside the bigger monster. 

Tristan: What do we do? 

Roderick: Stab that one too! Quick! 

Fred: Raaah! 

(slicing sound effect)

Rose Red: Gross, there’s more! 

Fred: Then I’ll just have to keep going!
(slicing sound effect x 5)

Roderick: That is the second, no third, most disgusting Russian doll I’ve ever seen. 

Fred: *pants* One more!

Lindwyrm: W-Wait

Roderick: It speaks? 

Lindwyrm: (out of breath) Th-Thank you for breaking my curse!

Fred: Roderick, help me drag him out of this… mush. 

Roderick: I really wish I brought some latex gloves. 

Fred: What were you saying about a curse?

Lindwyrm: Thank you. T-the curse I was imprisoned in for all my life. *sharp intake of breath* It took hold of both my body and m-my mind. 

Rose Red: Everyone hold on. King Gunnar, is that you? 

Lindwyrm: N-No, I’m not him. 

Tristan: Please excuse us, but you look just like him!

Nyneve: So who the heck are you? 

Lindwyrm: (deep breath and calm voice from now on) I am… I was never given a name. 

Fred: Then we’ll just call you Lindwyrm for now. 

Lindwyrm: No, if you shall call me anything, then it shall be King Lindwyrm of the Land of Eternal Day.

Roderick: Fred: What? 

Nyneve: I am so confused right now. 

Fred: Come on Roderick, help me get him inside. I have a feeling that King Gunnar has a lot of explaining to do. 

Post Credit Scene

Scoodie: Ringy Ringy, Ringy ringy. 

Smock: Who’s here?

Scoodie: Bored here! That’s who! 

Satchet: I know, I know, while we wait for heroes to rescue us, let’s us play a game!

Scoodie: Okay, what we play? 

Satchet: Let’s play…. “Get Peri to admit which goblin is favorite”!

Satchet: Scoodie: Smock: *giggle*

Smock: *Ahem* Peri Per, the dragon monster thing says he let one of us goblins go. Which one should escaper? 

Peri: What? He did?! Oh no, I see what you’re doing. I told you, I love you all equally. 

Goblins: Awwwww